I am SO disappointed with myself.
Let’s be honest here: I could be harsher and say that I’m disgusted or repulsed by myself, but I’d prefer not to be too hard on myself. I’m not really one to get my self-hate on. And besides, being overly negative doesn’t help the situation. That said, stating that I’m disappointed in myself seems like an accurate, appropriate assessment.
(Oh. And I’m frustrated, too.)
Why am I frustrated? Disappointed??
You can probably guess. The lack of any recent writing or updates or blog posts on this site is simply one obvious hint of my general lack of creative output and productivity.
The thing is, I’m not anywhere near being hard-pressed for ideas OR time. On the contrary, I feel as though I have a plethora of creative potential to dive into and explore, like some kind of Discovery channel scuba diver plunging into previously undiscovered waters and uncharted territories. I just need to daydream to stumble-swim myself upon bountiful idea-reefs teeming with the potential for life. I don’t even have a “normal” job to get in the way of my creativity! My situation is probably a dream for many would-be writers and creative-wanna-bes!! I am SO fortunate, and in SO many ways!
So then, seriously? What the hell is wrong with me? What’s my problem??
Oy. Stop with the self-depreciation, Rachelle… That’s not going to get us anywhere worth going.
:Ahem: :Sigh: :Breathes:
Staring out a window, with liquid comfort in the form of a soy latte in hand, I took some time to simply reflect over my situation — my desires, goals, and ambitions, and the near-complete lack of evidence of having any aspirations whatsoever — when I suddenly realized what my so-called problem actually is.
And my eyes filled up with tears.
“Resistance,” I said to myself. “That’s what it all comes down to. That’s my problem.”
To be more precise, my problem is my resistance to my status quo.
I’ve been in a relationship with the love of my life for more than 5.5 years now. That’s certainly not the problem. The thing is, he’s American, and I’m Canadian.
As a Canadian, I’m allowed (as far as I’m aware) to spend up to 6 months in the USA out of a 12-month period. (Note the difference between 12-month period vs calendar year.) And I resist this fact. A whole damn LOT.
I mean, I love him to bits! I don’t want to spend up to 6 months apart!! I want to live with him!!!
From a legal standpoint, however, I can’t. Not unless we were to get married. (Or, unless I were to get some magical work visa… anyone wanna sponsor me?)
Despite any grievances I may have with the many concepts and notions tethered to tying the knot, I’d be willing to get hitched to appease The Powers That Be so that we’d be allowed to live in the same house, let alone the same country, without it being considered against the law.
The mere notion that two adult human beings can’t be together unless they’re granted permission to be so by a governing authority really gets to me. SO HARD. (Yep. That’s what she said!) Really, you have no idea.
And although he really likes the idea of us living together, too, he, on the other hand, is not willing to compromise his values and get married simply to satiate the US’s bully-like attitude of pushing marriage onto international couples.
It’s not because he doesn’t want to marry me and is waiting for someone better to come along… he just doesn’t want to get married or be married. (Again.) Period.
This is totally understandable to me. I get it. You were already married once. You went through a long divorce. You don’t want to get married again. You see the many flaws of marriage, as do I. So I totally get it. And I don’t disagree with any of it, either. But I sure as hell resent and resist the fact that things are the way they are.
In my eyes, it seems so damn unjust. In my worldview, people should be allowed to be with whomever they like and live wherever they please. The fact that this isn’t legally permissible unless authorization is granted from governmental powers really gets my feathers ruffled up.
Marriage doesn’t equal love. Love equals love!
Marriage is a contract and a construct created by the government. There are tons of people who remain married in loveless marriages, or who marry for reasons that have nothing to do with love. Why is it that the US government promotes marriage vs love?
At least the Canadian government is a bit more liberal-minded: Last I checked, if a Canadian wanted to sponsor a non-Canadian partner to live with them, the Canadian government doesn’t push the construct of marriage on the couple. Marriage is still an option, of course, but it’s not the only option. Aside from spouses, common-law partners and conjugal partners are welcome, too. (I believe you do need to prove that you’ve been in a conjugal relationship for at least 2 years… but hey, that’d be easy to prove. We’ve been together for over 5.5+ years now!)
But he doesn’t want to live in Canada. (I don’t hold that against him, either.) And aside from that, he has a nice house, whereas I do not. So from that consideration, it makes much more sense for me to join him in the US vs him joining me in Canada.
So what does all this have to do about my lack of creative productivity?
Well, the realization I came to is that my intense feelings of resistance for my situation — i.e. not being allowed to be with my love on a full-time basis because of some unjust and outdated law — are SO STRONG that it spills over to pretty much every other aspect of my life, especially my creative endeavors. How could it not? For that’s the very nature of how our thoughts and feelings affect our everyday reality.
Writing and creative work entails tapping into a state of flow, especially. Whereas resistance is the opposite of flow. Nothing’s gonna come through if the resistance barrier is up!
Whenever I sit down with the intent of getting some creative work done, something feels off. (In other words, I’m not in an open, receptive state to welcome creative, inspired flow. D’uh!) Thinking that that feeling of inspired-flow will eventually come, I’ll do some other stuff online in the meantime while waiting for the flow to start and that moment to just feel right.
I’ll check a little bit of social media. I’ll check email. I’ll write emails. I might write many notes and research various topics related to my the subject of my would-be writing, but, of course, all without getting any actual writing done.
I’ll consider many plans and options for my upcoming and ongoing nomadic travel due to my relationship and circumstances. I’ll read articles about productivity and motivation. I’ll listen to material about tapping into flow. And yet that right feeling never comes.
As C. G. Jung has said, “What you resist, persists.”
Yay! Whoopee!! Eureka!!! I’ve determined what’s holding me back! (Me!) It’s (me and my) Resistance! And, I’ve also determined the primary source of my resistance! (Which, inevitably, is rooted in my feelings, which can only come back to… ME!) !!!!
So… Now what?
I’ve always known that me, myself, and I were at the heart of my problem, but delving into the specifics of the cause can sure help a lot in figuring out what to do from there.
I figure I’ve got a lot of internal work to do:
I need to stop resisting the way things are, or I’m just gonna get a lot more of what I don’t want.
I need to embrace the present moment.
I need to acknowledge my resistance, and like a reed in the wind, give in to it.
I need to transmute my resistance and anxiety and frustration about the situation, and harness that energy to power my creative pursuits — which can only be accomplished in a state of flow tethered to that power of the here and now known as the present.
I need to embrace feelings of love and appreciation, the antithesis of resistance.
If I can successfully manage to do this, and for an ongoing period of time, I sincerely believe that I’ll be able to forge for myself a reality that allows me to live wherever I damn well please — and without necessarily having to get married in order to do so!
I have many ideas on how this might play out. …but I’ll save that for another blog post. 😉
In the meantime, send me good vibes and wish me luck!