“The greatest enemy of progress is not stagnation, but false progress.” ~ Sydney J. Harris
“He whose face gives no light, shall never become a star.” ~William Blake
“The thing that is really hard, and really amazing, is giving up on being perfect and beginning the work of becoming yourself.” ~ Anna Quindlen
Do you feel stuck and stagnant? Uncertain about which direction you should move in? Do you feel plagued with a pressing need to make up your mind, make a decision, and take action — while simultaneously wanting to do so — yet despite this, feel increasingly reluctant to take action? Are you worried about making a wrong decision?
I know I am. That’s probably why I haven’t written a new entry for the past couple of months.
Sure, I started a few articles here and there, but you’d never know it as I never finished them or published them. …Why?
I’m not 100% certain, although I can say this: I believe it largely has to do with my feeling uncertain about the direction I’m heading in and the path I’m taking, and, ultimately, the best direction to go from here.
When I was 8 and in the second grade, I first started making up wacky stories, but I mostly liked to color and draw.
When I was 9 I wanted to be a pianist, composer, and orchestral conductor.
When I was 10 I still wanted to be those things, and a writer to boot.
When I was 11 I wanted to be all of the above AND an astronaut.
Later, I also wanted to be an astrophysicist and cosmologist.
And later still, I dreamed of acting and being on stage and in film, and directing stage and film, too.
Throughout the course of my high school career, leading to graduation, I had (and still have) interest and potential in so many subjects: math, sciences, music, writing.
When I graduated high school and had to decide what to take in University, I was still pretty damn clueless as to what I wanted to “be”. It seemed to be the most important decision of my entire life — one that would affect and dictate the outcome of my impending and ultimate future.
Having a streak of perfectionism certainly didn’t make the decision-making processes any easier. It meant it was imperative that I make the most right, true, and “perfect” decision possible. That’s what it felt like, anyway.
I didn’t know how to decide. And so… I didn’t. In my first year of studies, I decided to take a variety of courses in a variety of subjects: Calculus, Theatre, Philosophy, World Religions, and Astronomy.
I loved all my classes, yet noted there was something about the expressive nature of theatre that really drew me in. And when I say theatre, I’m not just referring to acting; I mean theatre in its entirety. I was drawn to act and to direct, I loved designing sets and lighting and costumes, working with props, stage management, script analysis and playwriting — you name it.
I’m currently at a point in my life where I feel uncertain about continuing my theatre career. The fact of the matter is that, aside from my own self-produced plays and productions, my experience in theatre is somewhat limited; to make matters worse, I have a tendency to absolutely bomb auditions… And when I say bomb, we’re talking nuclear-meltdown-disaster here. (Stars are nuclear furnaces, after all.) Seriously. Sometimes I make such an amateur ass out of myself in the audition process that one might conclude I had the skill level of some high-school drama wannabe. It really is that embarrassing… at least some of the time, if not most of the time.
Pertaining to the above: my skill and ability to act or perform is not the issue (per se); but rather, my auditioning skills (and hence, the ability to convey my performance aptitude in an audition) are virtually non-existent. It’s akin to being quite skilled and capable for a particular job, but when it comes to the job interview, the idiot-hormones kick in and you end up portraying yourself as a bumbling idiot and completely inept newb.
Aside from my issues with auditions, there are a number of other aspects that go along with a career in theatre that I feel uncertain about. Without going into too much detail, some of these aspects include: having a sporadic (and unreliable) source of income (as per show/gig), being dependent on being hired/casted in a production, and, having a lack of an overall arching vision or long-term career goal. (…Aside from that long-term goal of building one’s resume. But to what end?)
I *do* believe I can make a living from acting if I choose to be more focused and disciplined about the craft that is theatre and acting. And yet, having so many other interests, dreams, and aspirations — am I to sacrifice these other aspirations in the name of persistence in a career that I *might* succeed in, given more time? I don’t know. It’s already been the greater part of a decade, and although I recognize I have made some progress, I feel as though most of it falls under the category of false progress.
At this point, I’m not committing to the idea of changing careers and giving up theatre. I’d like to keep my options open. And yet, in the meantime, and until I drastically improve my audition skills, I am left in a situation where I do not have an income in my current career unless I am actively producing and performing something of my own creation — and even *that* does not guarantee me an income.
To The Right
I was drawn to theatre for many reasons, but I believe I was mainly lured into acting because it served as a means for me to grow as a person and become more comfortable with myself. I was once extremely shy, yet yearned to be known. As acting is essentially a method of sharing oneself in a creative and meaningful way, it’s no wonder I grew towards such a path that would teach me so many lessons that I yearned to experience and learn.
I still have a strong desire to share myself with the world. Theatre and acting has, without a doubt, helped me to open up and share my most inner self with an audience. I also, however, possess the desire to share myself with an audience on a global scale, and this cannot be done so easily in the communal realm of theatre. …It is, perhaps, something more achievable in the realm of movies and film.
On top of all of this, I also have strong interests in creating an environmental movement that will have global impact, in addition to having a natural skill, talent, and passion for creating vegan and raw cuisine. I can potentially go in either direction. It is simply a matter of making a decision and taking action. However, due to my perfectionist tendencies, I can be *very* indecisive…
But, in short: I want to be a Star. That is my wish, my hope, and my desire.
I do not long to be a Star for the simplicity of fame; although, who on this Earth does not know of the Stars in our sky?
I do not long to be a Star because wealth and fortune is oft associated with Stardom; although, I certainly would enjoy and appreciate a lifestyle of abundance.
I long to be a Great Star, such as is our Sun, because the Light of such a Star shines so brightly that it cannot help but touch and warm everyone and everything that looks upon this Star with its Light, Life, and Hope.
It is for this reason I long to be a Star.
I feel as though I’ve babbled on for long enough. I realize this blog post may not provide much objective value to others, as it’s more of a personal “this-is-where-I’m-at” and “here’s-what-I’ve-been-thinking” type of entry. And yet, perchance, you, random-reader, may find value in my personal journey as it relates to your own. Or, perhaps not. Either way… Here it is.
Over the next day or two, I will be making some decisions and *drumroll* …. implementing actions (Gasp! Shock!), and, from time to time, I’ll be sharing my journey along the way. It’s my hope that my efforts with my own creative journey will help you to better understand your present and intended coordinates in your life-journey, too.
Speaking of life-journeys, I thought I’d do a quick little shout-out that I also intend to share insights on what I have learned from the worlds of stage and performance and how such theatrical insights can be applied to the realm of personal growth, being, and development. It’s actually pretty damn cool. So stay tuned!
In the meantime…
Good journey to us All.